The Reason for the Season

Obviously the title of this blog is a bit of a cliche, but I believe that it's important that everyone be thankful for something and what holiday helps you to be thankful rather than Christmas. I mean, the one thing we should be thankful for has it in the name!

So, for this 2011 year, I am thankful for....

The OPPORTUNITY to go to school and receive an education, have a future, and make something of myself. [Embrace it.]

The TRIP to Pennsylvania that not only helped me to become closer to God, but it is where I accepted Jesus Christ into my life as my Savior. [Remember it.]

The MOTHER that has given up everything so that I have a decent life and makes sure that I don't want for anything. [Love her.]

The CHANCE to able to make a difference in the world, and having the brains to realize it. [Take it.]

The YOUTH friends and the LEADERS that are always there for me and help to become a better person in every way. [Respect them.]

The CHURCH that I wake up early every Sunday to go to. This will always be my home away from home because it is the house of my Lord and Savior. [Worship it.]

The TEACHERS at school that everyone hates; not only do they teach us everything that we need for college, but they teach us everything that we need for life. [Appreciate them.]

The HOUSE to live in, FOOD to eat, and CLOTHES to wear; because it means that I'm not out on the cold streets starving. [Value it.]

The ABILITY to play tennis, the sport that I love; the sport that has helped me grow not only physically, but mentally and helps me to strive for something. [Enjoy it.]

The MIND that I have that enables me to know right from wrong and realize that I am truly blessed. [Use it.]

The HEART that beats inside of my chest because it means that I am able to breathe, live, play, and love. [Protect it.]

And finally,
JESUS CHRIST, who surrendered his life on the cross so that I can be free; free to live, free to sin, free to worship, and free to love him with every ounce of passion that dwells inside of me. JESUS CHRIST is the reason not only for this season, but for every season and I solemly swear that I will always ADORE [2011] Him.
[NEVER FORGET IT.]

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Don't you hate that feeling when you feel like nothing in your life is going right? Well I've had that feeling for about 6 weeks or so now. It's that hate-getting-out-of-bed, why-bother-trying, hate-my-life type feeling. Now most teenagers say this is generally how their personality is, but I'm usually not one to be depressed or get sad easily. I figured there must be something wrong with me if someone like me is depressed for this long...

I guess it all goes back to this summer; my 16th summer of 2011. I thought this was going to be the best summer ever. I had lots of stuff planned with my friends and even Camp Undignified in July. The summer started off pretty great; I went out with friends, stayed up late and played tennis all the time. Then I started dating my ex again. I thought this was going to be OUR summer, OUR fun, OUR time together. After only 2 weeks, he broke up with me and I was destroyed. I guess that's it. That's what started this whole depression. I thought he was going to be the one. It's stupid, I know, but we genuinely loved each other and we were so excited to be back together. After we broke up, I felt horrible, like my world had come crashing down yet again and it was all my fault. I figured going to Camp Undignified would help me get over it, and it did. I went there and I was on fire for God the whole time and I learned so much. I was amazingly happy the next few weeks I came back. Then the fire started to wear off and I was getting back to what seemed like the "boring normal life". A month later school started and I wasn't exactly ecstatic for that...what teenager would be?! Ever since school started, it's been one disaster after another. It seems like there's something everyday that happens to me that makes my life worse. Between trying to survive AP classes, losing great friends, avoiding annoying, stuck-up mean girls, and keeping a healthy relationship with God, my life has been an emotional rollercoaster. I just keep wondering, Where Did I Go Wrong?

I am Thankful

There are so many things in life that we all take for granted each and every day. Well sometimes I like to stop and say thank you. Thank you, Lord, for everything that you have given me....

Thank you for my expensive internet bill, which allows me to share my thoughts on blog sites with the world.

Thank you for getting in stupid fights with my friends because it makes me remember that I have people that love me enough to point out when something I do is wrong.

Thank you for the dirty dishes in my sink that need washing, because it means I have food to eat.

Thank you for the pile of dirty clothes laying in the laundry room floor, because it means I have clothes to wear.

Thank you for the mother that complains when I start to slack off, because it means I have a mother that wants the best for me.

Thank you for all the pain that us girls have to endure once a month, because it means that I'm not another statistic.

Thank you for gutters that need cleaning, the lawn that needs mowing, and the railing that need to be painted, because it means that I have a roof over my head.

Thank you for my teachers that grade so hard, because it means I have the right to an education.

Thank you for our cars that need washing, because it means we have a way of transportation.

Thank you for the police officers that give you a ticket for driving 2 miles above the speed limit, because it means that I have law enforcement to keep me safe.

Thank you for my glasses that fall off all the time, because it means that I have eyes that let me see the changing world.

Thank you for the doctors that overcharge for everything, because it means I have medical care.

Thank you for my loud alarm clock, because it, along with you Lord, wake me up every day and let me live my life for you with my friends, my family, my teachers, and everything else in this world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you Lord for everything that You have given me in this world; and thank you mostly for my life, which you are the ultimate creator of.

You Were Everything I Always Needed

Do you ever look at happy couples and think "I want that someday"? Well I remember when I would walk down the hallways at school and think "I do have that, right now". That's right, I had a boyfriend that gave you that funny feeling inside; the feeling that you thought would never go away. He and I were "so in love" as some would say. We were crazy about each other, but we went to different schools--schools that were about 40 minutes apart. Although we were far apart, our relationship was still very strong. When we were together, it felt like nothing could come between us, like we were invincible. His touch was enough to make me melt. When he would hug me, I felt like the most special girl in the world. He meant the world to me because he was the only one that I could truly talk to about anything. He was the only one that understood me and accepted me for who I was and loved me no matter what. But then, a tragedy hit: we broke up. I was destroyed inside. I had lost my boyfriend. I had lost the person I could tell anything to. I lost my best friend.

A few months later, we begin to make contact again. It was weird to see his name show up on my phone because I thought that he hated me because of our break up. He seemed really nice, like he wanted to be friends, but then when I would text him he seemed distant; like I was annoying him or he was mad at me. All I was trying to do was repair our friendship, maybe even with the hope a rekindling a spark. He may not like me anymore, but I thought the least we could be is friends. Now, whenever I see his name on my phone, all I can think about is everything that we once had. It's enought to make me cry. It reminds me that I lost one of the most important people to me. I lost my best friend. Although he probably won't read this, I want him to know that I still love him now as much as I did when we were dating and I would do anything to regain our "friendship."

Mother's Day is EVERYDAY

You know how some people believe that holidays like Mother's Day were created by greeting card companies to make money? Well, that may be so, but Mother's Day is one of my favorite holidays. It isn't just about buying your mother a singing card or new plants for her garden or even going to church on that one Sunday. For me, Mother's Day is about celebrating the fact that we have mothers. Mothers are usually the people that we take for granted the most in our lives and they don't even mind. Think about it: when us kids come home from school, who has spent the whole day cleaning or working? Who has dinner ready for us to eat? Who washes our clothes so they'll be clean for us? Mommy. Now, this Mother's Day was very sentimental for my mother and I because it was exactly one year after my mother had seen her grandmother alive for the last time. Honestly, I had forgotten this and I didn't remember until I found my mom crying by herself on the couch. When I saw her, I suddenly felt her pain. I understood why she couldn't hold in her pain any longer. She had lost the only mother she had ever known and it was taking a toll on her. At this point, I finally understood the true meaning of Mother's Day: to tell God "Thank You." Thank You for giving me a mother that would do anything for me and ultimately cares more about my life than her own. So to all the mother's out there, Thank You for doing all that you do.

**Dedicated to my great-grandmother (1912-2010) who died of cancer and my mother. Without her I wouldn't be who I am today. I love you with all my heart Mommy and that will never change.

All That I Have

Why do we go to church? Why is it there? What do we do there? Growing up, I went to church most of the time, but the older I got, the less I went. I would sit in church and see a bunch of people standing and shouting and crying. I sat there wondering why? Why are they doing this? I didn't understand who this "God" person was or why he was so important. Now, don't get me wrong, I knew that God had created me, but I didn't know what the story was behind it. Finally when I was about 12 or 13, my mom and I had stopped going to church althogether. It's not that we didn't want to go, she just didn't have the time between working on the weekends and taking care of me. When I was in the beginning of my sophomore year of high school, my friend started convincing me to go to something called Youth group. I said I'd think about the first couple of times, but she kept asking me. Finally I caved and went to Youth for the first time. When I got there, I met everyone and they seemed like they'd make good friends. Then when it came time for whorship, I was amazed. So many young people had come together to praise God; to praise the person that created this world and brought all of us here. Although I didn't understand it, I could feel that this would be my new place to go on Friday nights.

The more I went to Youth, the more I started to learn about God. I learned why people are they way they are today and what our purpose while we're here on earth. I learned that God can put bad things in your life for the reason to make you stronger. I learned that He is my Holy Savior and that my life is His. I would go to Youth and I would listen to the music and God would talk to me. Sometimes I didn't know he was talking to me and other times, I would sit there and talk with him for two hours. He filled my soul with his love and guidance without my knowledge. I gave God all the love and trust that I could find within myself. But along the way, I realized something: the Lord is my Heavenly Father and I should love him and praise him and talk to him and study scipture and go to church and be the best person that I could be because my actions and soul are a reflection of my Heavenly Father. Now, everyday, whether it be when I wake up or before a tennis match or before I go to sleep I say to myself....

"This is my prayer; it's my solemn vowel, with all that I am and with all that I have, I will love You. I will love You forever."

Unwanted.

In life, we are given only two parents. Two people that are meant to love you with all that they have for your entire life. Unfortunately, I was only given one person that cared for me that much when I was born. That's right, I only had one parent to count on. From the moment I was born, my mom and I have a very strong relationship. One probably stronger that most mother-daughter relationships out there. I wish I could say the same about my father. He was one of "those" dads: one that was never around and only came around to make your life miserable. As a baby I've been told that he wasn't the ideal father. In fact, he only came around a few times to wish me a happy birthday (when he remembered it...). Whenever he would try to hold me I would cry and reach for mommy. Until I was about 7 or 8, I didn't have much of a relationship with him. I was a mommy's girl. My mother was the only person that I could count on.

When I started elementary school, I began to see my father's true colors for myself. I would go over to my grandmother's house, his mother, on the weekends to visit her. I would spend hours at her house, most of which were spend waiting for my father. I remember. I remember calling, calling him and asking if he would come over so I could see him. Nine times out of ten, he wouldn't come. When he didn't show, I felt like I wasn't important, like I wasn't a priority for him. As I got older, things didn't change. Truthfully, I hadn't expected them to change. By the time I was ten, I had pretty much gotten used to the feeling that he had tattooed in my heart. I was UNWANTED. When I was in the sixth grade, he decided to make my life worse by taking me and mommy to court. I was only 11 and I couldn't understand what was happening. I felt like I had done something wrong and I was being punished. He was trying to get custody of me. The only reason he was doing was to impress his new wife, who he only married because she had wealthy parents. So I had to start visiting him every other Saturday for 5 hours. Every time I had to visit with him, I was miserable. I hated being with him for 5 hours. Most of the time, we couldn't even find something to do that coudl entertain us for 5 hours. I remember, every time I walked through my front door after every visit, I would goan and get upset. Most people don't understand why I'm not a fan of my father. Maybe it's because he thought that he had reason to believe that I wasn't his daughter.....

During this whole court nonsense, my father implied that he shouldn't have to be financially responsible for me because I might not be his. This not only hurt me but my mother too. For him to believe that I was actually his daughter, my mother and I were forced to take a DNA test. This is one of the most painful memories of my life. The day I took the test, I was fine because I wasn't old enough to understand how hurtful the situation was. Today, whenever I think about him making me take a DNA test, I break into tears. The fact that he didn't want me and was trying to rid himself of responsibilities for me make me feel horrible. Like I'm not important. Like I'm not a priority. Like I'm UNWANTED. Presently, I am still visiting with my father. Our relationship hasn't improved at all and I am counting the day until I don't have to see him anymore and when I can finally feel WANTED.

Broken and Put Back Together....Only Better This Time

When you were younger, did ever fantasize about your first boyfriend or girlfriend? You'd see couples and think "I want that one day." Well that day came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I never had any serious love interests until I met my first boyfriend. Though we didn't know each other for long, we started dating a measly three weeks after we first met. This may be a big flahsing red light to some people, but I wanted to see where the relationship would go. From the beginning, it was clear that he had the stronger feelings for me, but that just me feel all the more special. Now, as some may assume, our relationship wasn't perfect. In fact, the first five months were the rockiest, but we survived them. This gave me faith that our relationship could endure anything. After the rocky times, we got on the right track. We went on dates, we went to the pool in the hot summer, watched movies in my basement together, and even met each others' families. We were the perfect couple, as some called us. The one memory that we shared that I will never forget was when we went to my first homecoming together. Going to dances was never on my priority list, but this meant a lot to me. The night was beyond perfect and I felt like a princess who had her prince. I felt like I finally had it all.........

One month later, my world came crashing down. I felt like someone had literally ripped my soul out of my body. I expected him to be there for me, because I would do the same for him. But, out of nowhere he ended. It was over. We were over. I felt numb, like I was drowing in the sea and couldn't swim back up to the surface. I was running out of air and I couldn't see anything. Suddenly, I saw it. I saw my new life, without him. I was mad at him for flushing 13 months down the toilet. All I wanted was him, but I knew I couldn't have him. People were telling me that I was better off without him, but I couldn't see it that way. I felt like I was alone in the world, like I had no one I could talk to.I missed his face, his laugh, his smile, his touch. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first love. How could someone do this to me? I didn't make sense, but I tried to keep my mind off of what had happened. Then I started going to Youth group. The first time I went, I didn't really want to go. I only agreed to go so I could make one of my friends happy. When I got there, I didn't understand what was happening. There were people my age praising God like the amazing savior that he is; this I didn't understand. How had these people who were so young be willing to give up their time to come church and praise God? Although I didn't comprehend the purpose, I kept going back. While going back, I began to realize something: everyone there had their own reason for being there, but they all had one thing in common. And that was to communicate with their Heavenly Father.

Through all of this, I have learned a great deal about God and myself. Before all I thought about was school, my family, a few friend, and my boyfriend. I didn't know much about God or why Christians spend so much time praising him. Going to Youth has surrounded me with people that have made me so much stronger. My strength comes from within myself. That strength comes from my Savior who has given me everything. Now, I don't care if I have a boyfriend or not and I try to be the best person I can be. I go to Youth every Friday night and everyday I look up to the sky and say "It's all because of You, that I am here. You're Beautiful."

HE HAS RISEN

Today is Easter, the day of Jesus Christ's Resurrection. As a child, I never understood the true meaning of Easter. I just thought it was holiday where kids got too hunt for easter eggs in the church yard and fight for the best ones. I guess, like most things, I took Easter for granted. I took it as a holiday where you had an basket waiting for you in the living room and a delicious dinner that night. Today is the first time that I have understood the true signifigance of Easter. It is the rising of Jesus Christ. The Lord sent his son, Jesus, to Earth in human form to spread his word, but it ultimately cost him his life. Jesus bled on the cross and died. On this momentous day, Jesus' spirit rose again, and this is what we celebrate. We celebrate his spirit coming and saving us forever. From now own, I will remember, "He bled and then he died and then he rose again for ME."

The Wallpaper of My Heart

I woke up thinking "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" but then I remembered that no one asks to meet their fate. Ever since last October, my life has been a blur. A stressful, surreal blur. I thought I knew exactly how I wanted to live my life and what I was going to do to get to my happy ending. But then, in the blink of an eye, things changed. I wasn't that perfect spoiled little girl. It had hit me. Life had hit me, and it hit me hard. Now, I'm not usually one to cry in front of people or get upset easily. But when she told me what happened, I couldn't help myself. I broke down for the first time. Suddenly, all I could hear was people talking, talking and I couldn't understand anything they were saying. I didn't want this to be my fate. It wasn't part of my plan. But for me, plans were changed. I had officially lost part of me. It felt like someone had cut me so deep that I couldn't help but scream out in agony. All I wanted was for the pain to stop, for someone to take the pain away. I had never pictured my life like this; like the one you see and think "oh that's so sad" but continue living a perfect life. I wasn't supposed to be that person. That girl. I wasn't supposed to have that family. That life. But then I realized something: God put this obstacle in my life to make me stronger. Though I was already strong, he was trying to tell me that I needed to be stronger and more confident. I knew he wouldn't give me something that I couldn't handle, so I accepted his challenge. I looked up to the sky and said "I accept your challenge, Father."