Unwanted.

In life, we are given only two parents. Two people that are meant to love you with all that they have for your entire life. Unfortunately, I was only given one person that cared for me that much when I was born. That's right, I only had one parent to count on. From the moment I was born, my mom and I have a very strong relationship. One probably stronger that most mother-daughter relationships out there. I wish I could say the same about my father. He was one of "those" dads: one that was never around and only came around to make your life miserable. As a baby I've been told that he wasn't the ideal father. In fact, he only came around a few times to wish me a happy birthday (when he remembered it...). Whenever he would try to hold me I would cry and reach for mommy. Until I was about 7 or 8, I didn't have much of a relationship with him. I was a mommy's girl. My mother was the only person that I could count on.

When I started elementary school, I began to see my father's true colors for myself. I would go over to my grandmother's house, his mother, on the weekends to visit her. I would spend hours at her house, most of which were spend waiting for my father. I remember. I remember calling, calling him and asking if he would come over so I could see him. Nine times out of ten, he wouldn't come. When he didn't show, I felt like I wasn't important, like I wasn't a priority for him. As I got older, things didn't change. Truthfully, I hadn't expected them to change. By the time I was ten, I had pretty much gotten used to the feeling that he had tattooed in my heart. I was UNWANTED. When I was in the sixth grade, he decided to make my life worse by taking me and mommy to court. I was only 11 and I couldn't understand what was happening. I felt like I had done something wrong and I was being punished. He was trying to get custody of me. The only reason he was doing was to impress his new wife, who he only married because she had wealthy parents. So I had to start visiting him every other Saturday for 5 hours. Every time I had to visit with him, I was miserable. I hated being with him for 5 hours. Most of the time, we couldn't even find something to do that coudl entertain us for 5 hours. I remember, every time I walked through my front door after every visit, I would goan and get upset. Most people don't understand why I'm not a fan of my father. Maybe it's because he thought that he had reason to believe that I wasn't his daughter.....

During this whole court nonsense, my father implied that he shouldn't have to be financially responsible for me because I might not be his. This not only hurt me but my mother too. For him to believe that I was actually his daughter, my mother and I were forced to take a DNA test. This is one of the most painful memories of my life. The day I took the test, I was fine because I wasn't old enough to understand how hurtful the situation was. Today, whenever I think about him making me take a DNA test, I break into tears. The fact that he didn't want me and was trying to rid himself of responsibilities for me make me feel horrible. Like I'm not important. Like I'm not a priority. Like I'm UNWANTED. Presently, I am still visiting with my father. Our relationship hasn't improved at all and I am counting the day until I don't have to see him anymore and when I can finally feel WANTED.