We never expect anything bad to happen to us. We hear about how places are hit with tornados and hurricanes or about schools that were on lockdown because of an armed shooter, but never, ever, do we ever expect anything bad to happen to us.
And why is that? Do we think we’re invincible? Do we believe that we have some greater authority watching over us and only us? Or is it just a pride within us saying that we would never deserve such horrible things to happen to us? Honestly, I don’t know myself. I don’t know or understand why bad things happen. But the truth of the matter is: they do happen. And we can whine or complain about how terrible and tragic it is, but the problem is never the situation. The problem is how we react to situations.
But wait, doesn’t this whole belief that bad things happen randomly go against a common belief? No, it’s not the apocalypse, er, a belated apocalypse for that matter.. I’m talking about the belief of how all things come into being; how and why things appear and disappear from the earth with no logical or scientific explanation. I’m talking about how we all got here and where we go once we leave here. Obviously, I’m talking about God. Yes, this may be a bit cliché, but it’s a truth that needs to come to light.
You see, God created everything. Before He created the universe and the moon and the stars, there was nothing. So He created the earth and put trees and oceans and land and the worst thing of all: people. So what does that mean? It means that God had something in mind for us. He had and still has something in mind for every single person that will ever come into existence. He rules everything and has total control over every single little thing that happens. Lately, the world has been full of malice and terrible, tragic things that we all demand explanations for, but can’t seem to explain. The thing is: God doesn’t want us to understand what He’s doing because then we would become our typical, human selves and try to trick God or deceive Him in trying to be two steps ahead of Him at all times. But that can never happen, because He is God. If He wanted us to understand His plans, He would tell us. But He obviously has something greater planned for us and doesn’t tell us the method to His madness.
I realize I’m still being extremely vague in my explanation as to why bad things happen to us. The thing is: God wants us more than anything. He a jealous God and He wants nothing more than to have our hearts. But we deny Him of this desire. We say “Thanks, but no thanks.” So then, when bad things start happening, we have nowhere to turn to for an explanation. But if we knew Him, we could simply turn our eyes and our faith up. When trouble comes, sure we’ll cry and get upset and still question why it’s happening; but we will know that it’s all part of God’s plan. He never lost control of the things He created and he isn’t about to start any time soon.
As I’m sitting here in the biggest storm that my town has had since summer started, people are freaking out and asking the million dollar question, “Why?” Honestly, me, myself, I don’t know “why.” But I also know that no scientist or meteorologist or any human on this earth for that matter can answer this question and satisfy the infinite curiously that dwells within us. The only thing I or any of us can do is point up to the sky and say “It’s all Him. He’s the one in control.”
Monday, June 17, 2013
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The Answer
December 14, 2012: 27 people killed, most of which are elementary-age kids, in a shooting in Connecticut. A couple of days ago: a man jumped off a bridge and was ran over by 4 cars. Over a decado ago: two students killed 14 people at Columbine High School in Colorado. More than 500 children die everyday due to hunger, homelessness, and disease. There are countless wars happening in the world.
--Too many lives are being taken; taken at a young age.--
But, why? Why do bad things exist? Why do bad things happen? Why are there bad people in the world?
So what do we choose to focus on in this world? Money. Sports. Rappers. Clothes. Cars. But what do these things do for us? NOTHING. It is devastating that in today's world, the majority of people would rather spend thousands upon thousands, millions even, on material objects such as houses and cars than give it to people in need. It pains me to see people bullying and tearing people down rather than motivating them and building me up. I cannot fathom why more people are more interested in watching a football game for 4 hours than spending just one measly hour working at a local rescue mission. This still doesn't answer the question of why? Why, why, why?
I didn't know the answer to those questions myself until a wise man gave me the answer. He explained it to me very clearly:
God created this world in his domain. He made the sky, the trees, the oceans, the heavens, hell, and everyone. God's love for us is incomprehensible by the human mind. It's something that cannot be grasped by any human. He created all of us for a specific purpose and calls us to do something that will ultimately bring us back to him. About 2,000 years ago, God saw what the world was becoming. He saw the hatred, and the greed, and the manipulation, and the devastation; he saw the world being completely immersed in sin. But God didn't want it to be that way. He said "no." He said "I love the world and everyone in it too much for it to be this way." He said "I don't want for my children to have to live in this." Back then, when a person was caught sinning, he or she was usually killed. If you know anything abou the 10 Commandments, you'd know that everyone has sinned in his or her lifetime. It's an inevitable part of life. So, God sent His One and Only Son to the earth. He sent His Son that He could save the world. He sent Jesus. God knew that Jesus would die a painful death for a crime that He didn't commit: sinning. But God loved us that much. I don't know about you, but I don't know too many people that would send their only son to die for the world. Anyways, after Jesus' death and Resurrection, the world was freed. It was free from having that burden of having a fear of sin on its shoulders.
When God puts on this earth, we are given the opportunity to enter into a relationship with Jesus. We are given the opportunity to experience the greatest love story of all time. We are given the chance to feel the most love and grace that we could ever imagine. Some people take advantage of that opportunity and go on to experience the awesomeness that comes along with having that relationship. But, the majority of people don't take that advantage. They say "Thanks, but no thanks" and they turn their back on Jesus. This turning away opens the door for sin. It opens the door for hatred, greed, manipulation, and devastation. The horrible phenomena enter into the souls of people and take over their life. Then, those people become frustrated and take it out on innocent people. They kill. They steal. They beat. They wage wars. They disobey.
So this brings us back to the original question: why? Why?
Well, I could just sum it up in one small sentence here, but I would advise reading The Bible. It is a true, 100% accurate account of the greatest love story ever told. But the best thing about it is: we are able to experience it without paying the same price that Jesus did.
--Too many lives are being taken; taken at a young age.--
But, why? Why do bad things exist? Why do bad things happen? Why are there bad people in the world?
So what do we choose to focus on in this world? Money. Sports. Rappers. Clothes. Cars. But what do these things do for us? NOTHING. It is devastating that in today's world, the majority of people would rather spend thousands upon thousands, millions even, on material objects such as houses and cars than give it to people in need. It pains me to see people bullying and tearing people down rather than motivating them and building me up. I cannot fathom why more people are more interested in watching a football game for 4 hours than spending just one measly hour working at a local rescue mission. This still doesn't answer the question of why? Why, why, why?
I didn't know the answer to those questions myself until a wise man gave me the answer. He explained it to me very clearly:
God created this world in his domain. He made the sky, the trees, the oceans, the heavens, hell, and everyone. God's love for us is incomprehensible by the human mind. It's something that cannot be grasped by any human. He created all of us for a specific purpose and calls us to do something that will ultimately bring us back to him. About 2,000 years ago, God saw what the world was becoming. He saw the hatred, and the greed, and the manipulation, and the devastation; he saw the world being completely immersed in sin. But God didn't want it to be that way. He said "no." He said "I love the world and everyone in it too much for it to be this way." He said "I don't want for my children to have to live in this." Back then, when a person was caught sinning, he or she was usually killed. If you know anything abou the 10 Commandments, you'd know that everyone has sinned in his or her lifetime. It's an inevitable part of life. So, God sent His One and Only Son to the earth. He sent His Son that He could save the world. He sent Jesus. God knew that Jesus would die a painful death for a crime that He didn't commit: sinning. But God loved us that much. I don't know about you, but I don't know too many people that would send their only son to die for the world. Anyways, after Jesus' death and Resurrection, the world was freed. It was free from having that burden of having a fear of sin on its shoulders.
When God puts on this earth, we are given the opportunity to enter into a relationship with Jesus. We are given the opportunity to experience the greatest love story of all time. We are given the chance to feel the most love and grace that we could ever imagine. Some people take advantage of that opportunity and go on to experience the awesomeness that comes along with having that relationship. But, the majority of people don't take that advantage. They say "Thanks, but no thanks" and they turn their back on Jesus. This turning away opens the door for sin. It opens the door for hatred, greed, manipulation, and devastation. The horrible phenomena enter into the souls of people and take over their life. Then, those people become frustrated and take it out on innocent people. They kill. They steal. They beat. They wage wars. They disobey.
So this brings us back to the original question: why? Why?
Well, I could just sum it up in one small sentence here, but I would advise reading The Bible. It is a true, 100% accurate account of the greatest love story ever told. But the best thing about it is: we are able to experience it without paying the same price that Jesus did.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter Revelation
So it's Easter again which means that it's been another year full of heartbreak, new and lost friends, and growing toward Jesus. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining here and this isn't going to be one of those annoying "OMG. I hate my life because of blah, blah, blah..." posts; I've just had a lot on my heart lately and I need to let it out in a healthy way. I'm going to list these in confessions to make it more understandable. So, buckle up, pop some corn, and enjoy the post!
Confession #1: Despite what most people may think and it may be a little cliche, but [I hate going to school.] I don't like going to a building full of people I can't stand and being with teachers that don't like students for 7 hours every day. I love gaining knowledge, but I don't like school. Still, despite this, I would spend all my time at school if I could....
Confession #2: Even though I tell my friends that it's not that important, [I really want a boyfriend.] Okay, so it sounds really stupid, but I miss having someone to tell me that I'm beautiful. I miss someone staying on the phone with me until 2 AM. I miss having someone to tell absolutely everything to. I miss someone loving me for who I am, but most of all, I miss someone that I can love. I've had a messed up love life for a while now and I've been trying to figure it out. I've been thinking about who or even what I want. Do I go for the guy that everyone loves and is a sweetheart or do I go for my gorgeous best guy friend that no one can have? Do I pick the sporty sweet-talker or go back to my ex?! Or, do I go for the guy that everyone hates? The one that has let tons of girls on but never falls for them. The one that isn't even that good-looking and really doesn't have much going for him. The one that has my heart. The one that I think about first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to sleep. The one that makes my heart skip a beat merely by his presence. The one that makes me want to punch him and kiss him at the same time. What do I do? But, still, despite all this, I would stay single....
Confession #3: [I hate that I'm not rich.] Maybe, not necessarily rich, but better off with money. Seriously, it annoys me. It gets on my nerves that I always have to think about money before I buy something or go somewhere. I hate that I can't afford some of the nicer things that my friends have and to go on nice vacations. It really gets to me and sometimes I feel like lesser of a person because of it. Still, despite this, I would give away every cent to my name...
Confession #4: Even though it's impossible, [I hate that I'm not perfect.] I hate that I constantly make mistakes and screw almost everything up. I've lost friends, I've ruined relationships, and damaged valuable friendships. I've even disappointed my mother and that really upsets me. Still, despite this, I wouldn't stop being my clumsy, imperfect self....
Enough confessions. At this point you may be wondering: what the heck is this girl talking about? She is making no sense whatsoever. What I'm talking about is today. April 8, 2012. Also known as Easter Sunday. Easter is a holiday that signifies the Ressurection of Jesus 2,000 years ago. He never sinned, but suffered as if he did when he died a horrible death on the cross. On the Third Day, he rose from death and came back so that we wouldn't suffer the same type of death for sinning. These confessions can either mean everything to you or it can mean nothing. If you, like me, have Jesus in youre heart, these confessions mean nothing. I take all of my imperfections and throw them out the window. Why? Because in my 16 years I've learned to take the chances that you won't get again: tell someone you love them and don't think twice; go to college and become a clown or a tree surgeon or whatever (do what makes you happy); forget what people say and make your own rules; reach for the moon and see where it gets you; don't be afraid to be who you are. Take advantage of every opportunity because, unlike Jesus, we don't have second chances to have an impact on the world. Jesus gave us each a chance to leave a lasting influence on the world and we can take or leave it. Today, although I'm sitting alone in my room writing this blog post, I realize that I am truly blessed and I will change the world and have a power over people even after I'm gone.
Now, everyday God gives us each 86,400 seconds to do something spectacular. What will you do with yours?
Confession #1: Despite what most people may think and it may be a little cliche, but [I hate going to school.] I don't like going to a building full of people I can't stand and being with teachers that don't like students for 7 hours every day. I love gaining knowledge, but I don't like school. Still, despite this, I would spend all my time at school if I could....
Confession #2: Even though I tell my friends that it's not that important, [I really want a boyfriend.] Okay, so it sounds really stupid, but I miss having someone to tell me that I'm beautiful. I miss someone staying on the phone with me until 2 AM. I miss having someone to tell absolutely everything to. I miss someone loving me for who I am, but most of all, I miss someone that I can love. I've had a messed up love life for a while now and I've been trying to figure it out. I've been thinking about who or even what I want. Do I go for the guy that everyone loves and is a sweetheart or do I go for my gorgeous best guy friend that no one can have? Do I pick the sporty sweet-talker or go back to my ex?! Or, do I go for the guy that everyone hates? The one that has let tons of girls on but never falls for them. The one that isn't even that good-looking and really doesn't have much going for him. The one that has my heart. The one that I think about first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to sleep. The one that makes my heart skip a beat merely by his presence. The one that makes me want to punch him and kiss him at the same time. What do I do? But, still, despite all this, I would stay single....
Confession #3: [I hate that I'm not rich.] Maybe, not necessarily rich, but better off with money. Seriously, it annoys me. It gets on my nerves that I always have to think about money before I buy something or go somewhere. I hate that I can't afford some of the nicer things that my friends have and to go on nice vacations. It really gets to me and sometimes I feel like lesser of a person because of it. Still, despite this, I would give away every cent to my name...
Confession #4: Even though it's impossible, [I hate that I'm not perfect.] I hate that I constantly make mistakes and screw almost everything up. I've lost friends, I've ruined relationships, and damaged valuable friendships. I've even disappointed my mother and that really upsets me. Still, despite this, I wouldn't stop being my clumsy, imperfect self....
Enough confessions. At this point you may be wondering: what the heck is this girl talking about? She is making no sense whatsoever. What I'm talking about is today. April 8, 2012. Also known as Easter Sunday. Easter is a holiday that signifies the Ressurection of Jesus 2,000 years ago. He never sinned, but suffered as if he did when he died a horrible death on the cross. On the Third Day, he rose from death and came back so that we wouldn't suffer the same type of death for sinning. These confessions can either mean everything to you or it can mean nothing. If you, like me, have Jesus in youre heart, these confessions mean nothing. I take all of my imperfections and throw them out the window. Why? Because in my 16 years I've learned to take the chances that you won't get again: tell someone you love them and don't think twice; go to college and become a clown or a tree surgeon or whatever (do what makes you happy); forget what people say and make your own rules; reach for the moon and see where it gets you; don't be afraid to be who you are. Take advantage of every opportunity because, unlike Jesus, we don't have second chances to have an impact on the world. Jesus gave us each a chance to leave a lasting influence on the world and we can take or leave it. Today, although I'm sitting alone in my room writing this blog post, I realize that I am truly blessed and I will change the world and have a power over people even after I'm gone.
Now, everyday God gives us each 86,400 seconds to do something spectacular. What will you do with yours?
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Reason for the Season
Obviously the title of this blog is a bit of a cliche, but I believe that it's important that everyone be thankful for something and what holiday helps you to be thankful rather than Christmas. I mean, the one thing we should be thankful for has it in the name!
So, for this 2011 year, I am thankful for....
The OPPORTUNITY to go to school and receive an education, have a future, and make something of myself. [Embrace it.]
The TRIP to Pennsylvania that not only helped me to become closer to God, but it is where I accepted Jesus Christ into my life as my Savior. [Remember it.]
The MOTHER that has given up everything so that I have a decent life and makes sure that I don't want for anything. [Love her.]
The CHANCE to able to make a difference in the world, and having the brains to realize it. [Take it.]
The YOUTH friends and the LEADERS that are always there for me and help to become a better person in every way. [Respect them.]
The CHURCH that I wake up early every Sunday to go to. This will always be my home away from home because it is the house of my Lord and Savior. [Worship it.]
The TEACHERS at school that everyone hates; not only do they teach us everything that we need for college, but they teach us everything that we need for life. [Appreciate them.]
The HOUSE to live in, FOOD to eat, and CLOTHES to wear; because it means that I'm not out on the cold streets starving. [Value it.]
The ABILITY to play tennis, the sport that I love; the sport that has helped me grow not only physically, but mentally and helps me to strive for something. [Enjoy it.]
The MIND that I have that enables me to know right from wrong and realize that I am truly blessed. [Use it.]
The HEART that beats inside of my chest because it means that I am able to breathe, live, play, and love. [Protect it.]
And finally,
JESUS CHRIST, who surrendered his life on the cross so that I can be free; free to live, free to sin, free to worship, and free to love him with every ounce of passion that dwells inside of me. JESUS CHRIST is the reason not only for this season, but for every season and I solemly swear that I will always ADORE [2011] Him.
[NEVER FORGET IT.]
So, for this 2011 year, I am thankful for....
The OPPORTUNITY to go to school and receive an education, have a future, and make something of myself. [Embrace it.]
The TRIP to Pennsylvania that not only helped me to become closer to God, but it is where I accepted Jesus Christ into my life as my Savior. [Remember it.]
The MOTHER that has given up everything so that I have a decent life and makes sure that I don't want for anything. [Love her.]
The CHANCE to able to make a difference in the world, and having the brains to realize it. [Take it.]
The YOUTH friends and the LEADERS that are always there for me and help to become a better person in every way. [Respect them.]
The CHURCH that I wake up early every Sunday to go to. This will always be my home away from home because it is the house of my Lord and Savior. [Worship it.]
The TEACHERS at school that everyone hates; not only do they teach us everything that we need for college, but they teach us everything that we need for life. [Appreciate them.]
The HOUSE to live in, FOOD to eat, and CLOTHES to wear; because it means that I'm not out on the cold streets starving. [Value it.]
The ABILITY to play tennis, the sport that I love; the sport that has helped me grow not only physically, but mentally and helps me to strive for something. [Enjoy it.]
The MIND that I have that enables me to know right from wrong and realize that I am truly blessed. [Use it.]
The HEART that beats inside of my chest because it means that I am able to breathe, live, play, and love. [Protect it.]
And finally,
JESUS CHRIST, who surrendered his life on the cross so that I can be free; free to live, free to sin, free to worship, and free to love him with every ounce of passion that dwells inside of me. JESUS CHRIST is the reason not only for this season, but for every season and I solemly swear that I will always ADORE [2011] Him.
[NEVER FORGET IT.]
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Where Did I Go Wrong?
Don't you hate that feeling when you feel like nothing in your life is going right? Well I've had that feeling for about 6 weeks or so now. It's that hate-getting-out-of-bed, why-bother-trying, hate-my-life type feeling. Now most teenagers say this is generally how their personality is, but I'm usually not one to be depressed or get sad easily. I figured there must be something wrong with me if someone like me is depressed for this long...
I guess it all goes back to this summer; my 16th summer of 2011. I thought this was going to be the best summer ever. I had lots of stuff planned with my friends and even Camp Undignified in July. The summer started off pretty great; I went out with friends, stayed up late and played tennis all the time. Then I started dating my ex again. I thought this was going to be OUR summer, OUR fun, OUR time together. After only 2 weeks, he broke up with me and I was destroyed. I guess that's it. That's what started this whole depression. I thought he was going to be the one. It's stupid, I know, but we genuinely loved each other and we were so excited to be back together. After we broke up, I felt horrible, like my world had come crashing down yet again and it was all my fault. I figured going to Camp Undignified would help me get over it, and it did. I went there and I was on fire for God the whole time and I learned so much. I was amazingly happy the next few weeks I came back. Then the fire started to wear off and I was getting back to what seemed like the "boring normal life". A month later school started and I wasn't exactly ecstatic for that...what teenager would be?! Ever since school started, it's been one disaster after another. It seems like there's something everyday that happens to me that makes my life worse. Between trying to survive AP classes, losing great friends, avoiding annoying, stuck-up mean girls, and keeping a healthy relationship with God, my life has been an emotional rollercoaster. I just keep wondering, Where Did I Go Wrong?
I guess it all goes back to this summer; my 16th summer of 2011. I thought this was going to be the best summer ever. I had lots of stuff planned with my friends and even Camp Undignified in July. The summer started off pretty great; I went out with friends, stayed up late and played tennis all the time. Then I started dating my ex again. I thought this was going to be OUR summer, OUR fun, OUR time together. After only 2 weeks, he broke up with me and I was destroyed. I guess that's it. That's what started this whole depression. I thought he was going to be the one. It's stupid, I know, but we genuinely loved each other and we were so excited to be back together. After we broke up, I felt horrible, like my world had come crashing down yet again and it was all my fault. I figured going to Camp Undignified would help me get over it, and it did. I went there and I was on fire for God the whole time and I learned so much. I was amazingly happy the next few weeks I came back. Then the fire started to wear off and I was getting back to what seemed like the "boring normal life". A month later school started and I wasn't exactly ecstatic for that...what teenager would be?! Ever since school started, it's been one disaster after another. It seems like there's something everyday that happens to me that makes my life worse. Between trying to survive AP classes, losing great friends, avoiding annoying, stuck-up mean girls, and keeping a healthy relationship with God, my life has been an emotional rollercoaster. I just keep wondering, Where Did I Go Wrong?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I am Thankful
There are so many things in life that we all take for granted each and every day. Well sometimes I like to stop and say thank you. Thank you, Lord, for everything that you have given me....
Thank you for my expensive internet bill, which allows me to share my thoughts on blog sites with the world.
Thank you for getting in stupid fights with my friends because it makes me remember that I have people that love me enough to point out when something I do is wrong.
Thank you for the dirty dishes in my sink that need washing, because it means I have food to eat.
Thank you for the pile of dirty clothes laying in the laundry room floor, because it means I have clothes to wear.
Thank you for the mother that complains when I start to slack off, because it means I have a mother that wants the best for me.
Thank you for all the pain that us girls have to endure once a month, because it means that I'm not another statistic.
Thank you for gutters that need cleaning, the lawn that needs mowing, and the railing that need to be painted, because it means that I have a roof over my head.
Thank you for my teachers that grade so hard, because it means I have the right to an education.
Thank you for our cars that need washing, because it means we have a way of transportation.
Thank you for the police officers that give you a ticket for driving 2 miles above the speed limit, because it means that I have law enforcement to keep me safe.
Thank you for my glasses that fall off all the time, because it means that I have eyes that let me see the changing world.
Thank you for the doctors that overcharge for everything, because it means I have medical care.
Thank you for my loud alarm clock, because it, along with you Lord, wake me up every day and let me live my life for you with my friends, my family, my teachers, and everything else in this world.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you Lord for everything that You have given me in this world; and thank you mostly for my life, which you are the ultimate creator of.
Thank you for my expensive internet bill, which allows me to share my thoughts on blog sites with the world.
Thank you for getting in stupid fights with my friends because it makes me remember that I have people that love me enough to point out when something I do is wrong.
Thank you for the dirty dishes in my sink that need washing, because it means I have food to eat.
Thank you for the pile of dirty clothes laying in the laundry room floor, because it means I have clothes to wear.
Thank you for the mother that complains when I start to slack off, because it means I have a mother that wants the best for me.
Thank you for all the pain that us girls have to endure once a month, because it means that I'm not another statistic.
Thank you for gutters that need cleaning, the lawn that needs mowing, and the railing that need to be painted, because it means that I have a roof over my head.
Thank you for my teachers that grade so hard, because it means I have the right to an education.
Thank you for our cars that need washing, because it means we have a way of transportation.
Thank you for the police officers that give you a ticket for driving 2 miles above the speed limit, because it means that I have law enforcement to keep me safe.
Thank you for my glasses that fall off all the time, because it means that I have eyes that let me see the changing world.
Thank you for the doctors that overcharge for everything, because it means I have medical care.
Thank you for my loud alarm clock, because it, along with you Lord, wake me up every day and let me live my life for you with my friends, my family, my teachers, and everything else in this world.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you Lord for everything that You have given me in this world; and thank you mostly for my life, which you are the ultimate creator of.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
You Were Everything I Always Needed
Do you ever look at happy couples and think "I want that someday"? Well I remember when I would walk down the hallways at school and think "I do have that, right now". That's right, I had a boyfriend that gave you that funny feeling inside; the feeling that you thought would never go away. He and I were "so in love" as some would say. We were crazy about each other, but we went to different schools--schools that were about 40 minutes apart. Although we were far apart, our relationship was still very strong. When we were together, it felt like nothing could come between us, like we were invincible. His touch was enough to make me melt. When he would hug me, I felt like the most special girl in the world. He meant the world to me because he was the only one that I could truly talk to about anything. He was the only one that understood me and accepted me for who I was and loved me no matter what. But then, a tragedy hit: we broke up. I was destroyed inside. I had lost my boyfriend. I had lost the person I could tell anything to. I lost my best friend.
A few months later, we begin to make contact again. It was weird to see his name show up on my phone because I thought that he hated me because of our break up. He seemed really nice, like he wanted to be friends, but then when I would text him he seemed distant; like I was annoying him or he was mad at me. All I was trying to do was repair our friendship, maybe even with the hope a rekindling a spark. He may not like me anymore, but I thought the least we could be is friends. Now, whenever I see his name on my phone, all I can think about is everything that we once had. It's enought to make me cry. It reminds me that I lost one of the most important people to me. I lost my best friend. Although he probably won't read this, I want him to know that I still love him now as much as I did when we were dating and I would do anything to regain our "friendship."
A few months later, we begin to make contact again. It was weird to see his name show up on my phone because I thought that he hated me because of our break up. He seemed really nice, like he wanted to be friends, but then when I would text him he seemed distant; like I was annoying him or he was mad at me. All I was trying to do was repair our friendship, maybe even with the hope a rekindling a spark. He may not like me anymore, but I thought the least we could be is friends. Now, whenever I see his name on my phone, all I can think about is everything that we once had. It's enought to make me cry. It reminds me that I lost one of the most important people to me. I lost my best friend. Although he probably won't read this, I want him to know that I still love him now as much as I did when we were dating and I would do anything to regain our "friendship."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Mother's Day is EVERYDAY
You know how some people believe that holidays like Mother's Day were created by greeting card companies to make money? Well, that may be so, but Mother's Day is one of my favorite holidays. It isn't just about buying your mother a singing card or new plants for her garden or even going to church on that one Sunday. For me, Mother's Day is about celebrating the fact that we have mothers. Mothers are usually the people that we take for granted the most in our lives and they don't even mind. Think about it: when us kids come home from school, who has spent the whole day cleaning or working? Who has dinner ready for us to eat? Who washes our clothes so they'll be clean for us? Mommy. Now, this Mother's Day was very sentimental for my mother and I because it was exactly one year after my mother had seen her grandmother alive for the last time. Honestly, I had forgotten this and I didn't remember until I found my mom crying by herself on the couch. When I saw her, I suddenly felt her pain. I understood why she couldn't hold in her pain any longer. She had lost the only mother she had ever known and it was taking a toll on her. At this point, I finally understood the true meaning of Mother's Day: to tell God "Thank You." Thank You for giving me a mother that would do anything for me and ultimately cares more about my life than her own. So to all the mother's out there, Thank You for doing all that you do.
**Dedicated to my great-grandmother (1912-2010) who died of cancer and my mother. Without her I wouldn't be who I am today. I love you with all my heart Mommy and that will never change.
**Dedicated to my great-grandmother (1912-2010) who died of cancer and my mother. Without her I wouldn't be who I am today. I love you with all my heart Mommy and that will never change.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
All That I Have
Why do we go to church? Why is it there? What do we do there? Growing up, I went to church most of the time, but the older I got, the less I went. I would sit in church and see a bunch of people standing and shouting and crying. I sat there wondering why? Why are they doing this? I didn't understand who this "God" person was or why he was so important. Now, don't get me wrong, I knew that God had created me, but I didn't know what the story was behind it. Finally when I was about 12 or 13, my mom and I had stopped going to church althogether. It's not that we didn't want to go, she just didn't have the time between working on the weekends and taking care of me. When I was in the beginning of my sophomore year of high school, my friend started convincing me to go to something called Youth group. I said I'd think about the first couple of times, but she kept asking me. Finally I caved and went to Youth for the first time. When I got there, I met everyone and they seemed like they'd make good friends. Then when it came time for whorship, I was amazed. So many young people had come together to praise God; to praise the person that created this world and brought all of us here. Although I didn't understand it, I could feel that this would be my new place to go on Friday nights.
The more I went to Youth, the more I started to learn about God. I learned why people are they way they are today and what our purpose while we're here on earth. I learned that God can put bad things in your life for the reason to make you stronger. I learned that He is my Holy Savior and that my life is His. I would go to Youth and I would listen to the music and God would talk to me. Sometimes I didn't know he was talking to me and other times, I would sit there and talk with him for two hours. He filled my soul with his love and guidance without my knowledge. I gave God all the love and trust that I could find within myself. But along the way, I realized something: the Lord is my Heavenly Father and I should love him and praise him and talk to him and study scipture and go to church and be the best person that I could be because my actions and soul are a reflection of my Heavenly Father. Now, everyday, whether it be when I wake up or before a tennis match or before I go to sleep I say to myself....
"This is my prayer; it's my solemn vowel, with all that I am and with all that I have, I will love You. I will love You forever."
The more I went to Youth, the more I started to learn about God. I learned why people are they way they are today and what our purpose while we're here on earth. I learned that God can put bad things in your life for the reason to make you stronger. I learned that He is my Holy Savior and that my life is His. I would go to Youth and I would listen to the music and God would talk to me. Sometimes I didn't know he was talking to me and other times, I would sit there and talk with him for two hours. He filled my soul with his love and guidance without my knowledge. I gave God all the love and trust that I could find within myself. But along the way, I realized something: the Lord is my Heavenly Father and I should love him and praise him and talk to him and study scipture and go to church and be the best person that I could be because my actions and soul are a reflection of my Heavenly Father. Now, everyday, whether it be when I wake up or before a tennis match or before I go to sleep I say to myself....
"This is my prayer; it's my solemn vowel, with all that I am and with all that I have, I will love You. I will love You forever."
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Unwanted.
In life, we are given only two parents. Two people that are meant to love you with all that they have for your entire life. Unfortunately, I was only given one person that cared for me that much when I was born. That's right, I only had one parent to count on. From the moment I was born, my mom and I have a very strong relationship. One probably stronger that most mother-daughter relationships out there. I wish I could say the same about my father. He was one of "those" dads: one that was never around and only came around to make your life miserable. As a baby I've been told that he wasn't the ideal father. In fact, he only came around a few times to wish me a happy birthday (when he remembered it...). Whenever he would try to hold me I would cry and reach for mommy. Until I was about 7 or 8, I didn't have much of a relationship with him. I was a mommy's girl. My mother was the only person that I could count on.
When I started elementary school, I began to see my father's true colors for myself. I would go over to my grandmother's house, his mother, on the weekends to visit her. I would spend hours at her house, most of which were spend waiting for my father. I remember. I remember calling, calling him and asking if he would come over so I could see him. Nine times out of ten, he wouldn't come. When he didn't show, I felt like I wasn't important, like I wasn't a priority for him. As I got older, things didn't change. Truthfully, I hadn't expected them to change. By the time I was ten, I had pretty much gotten used to the feeling that he had tattooed in my heart. I was UNWANTED. When I was in the sixth grade, he decided to make my life worse by taking me and mommy to court. I was only 11 and I couldn't understand what was happening. I felt like I had done something wrong and I was being punished. He was trying to get custody of me. The only reason he was doing was to impress his new wife, who he only married because she had wealthy parents. So I had to start visiting him every other Saturday for 5 hours. Every time I had to visit with him, I was miserable. I hated being with him for 5 hours. Most of the time, we couldn't even find something to do that coudl entertain us for 5 hours. I remember, every time I walked through my front door after every visit, I would goan and get upset. Most people don't understand why I'm not a fan of my father. Maybe it's because he thought that he had reason to believe that I wasn't his daughter.....
During this whole court nonsense, my father implied that he shouldn't have to be financially responsible for me because I might not be his. This not only hurt me but my mother too. For him to believe that I was actually his daughter, my mother and I were forced to take a DNA test. This is one of the most painful memories of my life. The day I took the test, I was fine because I wasn't old enough to understand how hurtful the situation was. Today, whenever I think about him making me take a DNA test, I break into tears. The fact that he didn't want me and was trying to rid himself of responsibilities for me make me feel horrible. Like I'm not important. Like I'm not a priority. Like I'm UNWANTED. Presently, I am still visiting with my father. Our relationship hasn't improved at all and I am counting the day until I don't have to see him anymore and when I can finally feel WANTED.
When I started elementary school, I began to see my father's true colors for myself. I would go over to my grandmother's house, his mother, on the weekends to visit her. I would spend hours at her house, most of which were spend waiting for my father. I remember. I remember calling, calling him and asking if he would come over so I could see him. Nine times out of ten, he wouldn't come. When he didn't show, I felt like I wasn't important, like I wasn't a priority for him. As I got older, things didn't change. Truthfully, I hadn't expected them to change. By the time I was ten, I had pretty much gotten used to the feeling that he had tattooed in my heart. I was UNWANTED. When I was in the sixth grade, he decided to make my life worse by taking me and mommy to court. I was only 11 and I couldn't understand what was happening. I felt like I had done something wrong and I was being punished. He was trying to get custody of me. The only reason he was doing was to impress his new wife, who he only married because she had wealthy parents. So I had to start visiting him every other Saturday for 5 hours. Every time I had to visit with him, I was miserable. I hated being with him for 5 hours. Most of the time, we couldn't even find something to do that coudl entertain us for 5 hours. I remember, every time I walked through my front door after every visit, I would goan and get upset. Most people don't understand why I'm not a fan of my father. Maybe it's because he thought that he had reason to believe that I wasn't his daughter.....
During this whole court nonsense, my father implied that he shouldn't have to be financially responsible for me because I might not be his. This not only hurt me but my mother too. For him to believe that I was actually his daughter, my mother and I were forced to take a DNA test. This is one of the most painful memories of my life. The day I took the test, I was fine because I wasn't old enough to understand how hurtful the situation was. Today, whenever I think about him making me take a DNA test, I break into tears. The fact that he didn't want me and was trying to rid himself of responsibilities for me make me feel horrible. Like I'm not important. Like I'm not a priority. Like I'm UNWANTED. Presently, I am still visiting with my father. Our relationship hasn't improved at all and I am counting the day until I don't have to see him anymore and when I can finally feel WANTED.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Broken and Put Back Together....Only Better This Time
When you were younger, did ever fantasize about your first boyfriend or girlfriend? You'd see couples and think "I want that one day." Well that day came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I never had any serious love interests until I met my first boyfriend. Though we didn't know each other for long, we started dating a measly three weeks after we first met. This may be a big flahsing red light to some people, but I wanted to see where the relationship would go. From the beginning, it was clear that he had the stronger feelings for me, but that just me feel all the more special. Now, as some may assume, our relationship wasn't perfect. In fact, the first five months were the rockiest, but we survived them. This gave me faith that our relationship could endure anything. After the rocky times, we got on the right track. We went on dates, we went to the pool in the hot summer, watched movies in my basement together, and even met each others' families. We were the perfect couple, as some called us. The one memory that we shared that I will never forget was when we went to my first homecoming together. Going to dances was never on my priority list, but this meant a lot to me. The night was beyond perfect and I felt like a princess who had her prince. I felt like I finally had it all.........
One month later, my world came crashing down. I felt like someone had literally ripped my soul out of my body. I expected him to be there for me, because I would do the same for him. But, out of nowhere he ended. It was over. We were over. I felt numb, like I was drowing in the sea and couldn't swim back up to the surface. I was running out of air and I couldn't see anything. Suddenly, I saw it. I saw my new life, without him. I was mad at him for flushing 13 months down the toilet. All I wanted was him, but I knew I couldn't have him. People were telling me that I was better off without him, but I couldn't see it that way. I felt like I was alone in the world, like I had no one I could talk to.I missed his face, his laugh, his smile, his touch. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first love. How could someone do this to me? I didn't make sense, but I tried to keep my mind off of what had happened. Then I started going to Youth group. The first time I went, I didn't really want to go. I only agreed to go so I could make one of my friends happy. When I got there, I didn't understand what was happening. There were people my age praising God like the amazing savior that he is; this I didn't understand. How had these people who were so young be willing to give up their time to come church and praise God? Although I didn't comprehend the purpose, I kept going back. While going back, I began to realize something: everyone there had their own reason for being there, but they all had one thing in common. And that was to communicate with their Heavenly Father.
Through all of this, I have learned a great deal about God and myself. Before all I thought about was school, my family, a few friend, and my boyfriend. I didn't know much about God or why Christians spend so much time praising him. Going to Youth has surrounded me with people that have made me so much stronger. My strength comes from within myself. That strength comes from my Savior who has given me everything. Now, I don't care if I have a boyfriend or not and I try to be the best person I can be. I go to Youth every Friday night and everyday I look up to the sky and say "It's all because of You, that I am here. You're Beautiful."
One month later, my world came crashing down. I felt like someone had literally ripped my soul out of my body. I expected him to be there for me, because I would do the same for him. But, out of nowhere he ended. It was over. We were over. I felt numb, like I was drowing in the sea and couldn't swim back up to the surface. I was running out of air and I couldn't see anything. Suddenly, I saw it. I saw my new life, without him. I was mad at him for flushing 13 months down the toilet. All I wanted was him, but I knew I couldn't have him. People were telling me that I was better off without him, but I couldn't see it that way. I felt like I was alone in the world, like I had no one I could talk to.I missed his face, his laugh, his smile, his touch. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first love. How could someone do this to me? I didn't make sense, but I tried to keep my mind off of what had happened. Then I started going to Youth group. The first time I went, I didn't really want to go. I only agreed to go so I could make one of my friends happy. When I got there, I didn't understand what was happening. There were people my age praising God like the amazing savior that he is; this I didn't understand. How had these people who were so young be willing to give up their time to come church and praise God? Although I didn't comprehend the purpose, I kept going back. While going back, I began to realize something: everyone there had their own reason for being there, but they all had one thing in common. And that was to communicate with their Heavenly Father.
Through all of this, I have learned a great deal about God and myself. Before all I thought about was school, my family, a few friend, and my boyfriend. I didn't know much about God or why Christians spend so much time praising him. Going to Youth has surrounded me with people that have made me so much stronger. My strength comes from within myself. That strength comes from my Savior who has given me everything. Now, I don't care if I have a boyfriend or not and I try to be the best person I can be. I go to Youth every Friday night and everyday I look up to the sky and say "It's all because of You, that I am here. You're Beautiful."
Sunday, April 24, 2011
HE HAS RISEN
Today is Easter, the day of Jesus Christ's Resurrection. As a child, I never understood the true meaning of Easter. I just thought it was holiday where kids got too hunt for easter eggs in the church yard and fight for the best ones. I guess, like most things, I took Easter for granted. I took it as a holiday where you had an basket waiting for you in the living room and a delicious dinner that night. Today is the first time that I have understood the true signifigance of Easter. It is the rising of Jesus Christ. The Lord sent his son, Jesus, to Earth in human form to spread his word, but it ultimately cost him his life. Jesus bled on the cross and died. On this momentous day, Jesus' spirit rose again, and this is what we celebrate. We celebrate his spirit coming and saving us forever. From now own, I will remember, "He bled and then he died and then he rose again for ME."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Wallpaper of My Heart
I woke up thinking "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" but then I remembered that no one asks to meet their fate. Ever since last October, my life has been a blur. A stressful, surreal blur. I thought I knew exactly how I wanted to live my life and what I was going to do to get to my happy ending. But then, in the blink of an eye, things changed. I wasn't that perfect spoiled little girl. It had hit me. Life had hit me, and it hit me hard. Now, I'm not usually one to cry in front of people or get upset easily. But when she told me what happened, I couldn't help myself. I broke down for the first time. Suddenly, all I could hear was people talking, talking and I couldn't understand anything they were saying. I didn't want this to be my fate. It wasn't part of my plan. But for me, plans were changed. I had officially lost part of me. It felt like someone had cut me so deep that I couldn't help but scream out in agony. All I wanted was for the pain to stop, for someone to take the pain away. I had never pictured my life like this; like the one you see and think "oh that's so sad" but continue living a perfect life. I wasn't supposed to be that person. That girl. I wasn't supposed to have that family. That life. But then I realized something: God put this obstacle in my life to make me stronger. Though I was already strong, he was trying to tell me that I needed to be stronger and more confident. I knew he wouldn't give me something that I couldn't handle, so I accepted his challenge. I looked up to the sky and said "I accept your challenge, Father."
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