Unwanted.

In life, we are given only two parents. Two people that are meant to love you with all that they have for your entire life. Unfortunately, I was only given one person that cared for me that much when I was born. That's right, I only had one parent to count on. From the moment I was born, my mom and I have a very strong relationship. One probably stronger that most mother-daughter relationships out there. I wish I could say the same about my father. He was one of "those" dads: one that was never around and only came around to make your life miserable. As a baby I've been told that he wasn't the ideal father. In fact, he only came around a few times to wish me a happy birthday (when he remembered it...). Whenever he would try to hold me I would cry and reach for mommy. Until I was about 7 or 8, I didn't have much of a relationship with him. I was a mommy's girl. My mother was the only person that I could count on.

When I started elementary school, I began to see my father's true colors for myself. I would go over to my grandmother's house, his mother, on the weekends to visit her. I would spend hours at her house, most of which were spend waiting for my father. I remember. I remember calling, calling him and asking if he would come over so I could see him. Nine times out of ten, he wouldn't come. When he didn't show, I felt like I wasn't important, like I wasn't a priority for him. As I got older, things didn't change. Truthfully, I hadn't expected them to change. By the time I was ten, I had pretty much gotten used to the feeling that he had tattooed in my heart. I was UNWANTED. When I was in the sixth grade, he decided to make my life worse by taking me and mommy to court. I was only 11 and I couldn't understand what was happening. I felt like I had done something wrong and I was being punished. He was trying to get custody of me. The only reason he was doing was to impress his new wife, who he only married because she had wealthy parents. So I had to start visiting him every other Saturday for 5 hours. Every time I had to visit with him, I was miserable. I hated being with him for 5 hours. Most of the time, we couldn't even find something to do that coudl entertain us for 5 hours. I remember, every time I walked through my front door after every visit, I would goan and get upset. Most people don't understand why I'm not a fan of my father. Maybe it's because he thought that he had reason to believe that I wasn't his daughter.....

During this whole court nonsense, my father implied that he shouldn't have to be financially responsible for me because I might not be his. This not only hurt me but my mother too. For him to believe that I was actually his daughter, my mother and I were forced to take a DNA test. This is one of the most painful memories of my life. The day I took the test, I was fine because I wasn't old enough to understand how hurtful the situation was. Today, whenever I think about him making me take a DNA test, I break into tears. The fact that he didn't want me and was trying to rid himself of responsibilities for me make me feel horrible. Like I'm not important. Like I'm not a priority. Like I'm UNWANTED. Presently, I am still visiting with my father. Our relationship hasn't improved at all and I am counting the day until I don't have to see him anymore and when I can finally feel WANTED.

Broken and Put Back Together....Only Better This Time

When you were younger, did ever fantasize about your first boyfriend or girlfriend? You'd see couples and think "I want that one day." Well that day came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I never had any serious love interests until I met my first boyfriend. Though we didn't know each other for long, we started dating a measly three weeks after we first met. This may be a big flahsing red light to some people, but I wanted to see where the relationship would go. From the beginning, it was clear that he had the stronger feelings for me, but that just me feel all the more special. Now, as some may assume, our relationship wasn't perfect. In fact, the first five months were the rockiest, but we survived them. This gave me faith that our relationship could endure anything. After the rocky times, we got on the right track. We went on dates, we went to the pool in the hot summer, watched movies in my basement together, and even met each others' families. We were the perfect couple, as some called us. The one memory that we shared that I will never forget was when we went to my first homecoming together. Going to dances was never on my priority list, but this meant a lot to me. The night was beyond perfect and I felt like a princess who had her prince. I felt like I finally had it all.........

One month later, my world came crashing down. I felt like someone had literally ripped my soul out of my body. I expected him to be there for me, because I would do the same for him. But, out of nowhere he ended. It was over. We were over. I felt numb, like I was drowing in the sea and couldn't swim back up to the surface. I was running out of air and I couldn't see anything. Suddenly, I saw it. I saw my new life, without him. I was mad at him for flushing 13 months down the toilet. All I wanted was him, but I knew I couldn't have him. People were telling me that I was better off without him, but I couldn't see it that way. I felt like I was alone in the world, like I had no one I could talk to.I missed his face, his laugh, his smile, his touch. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first love. How could someone do this to me? I didn't make sense, but I tried to keep my mind off of what had happened. Then I started going to Youth group. The first time I went, I didn't really want to go. I only agreed to go so I could make one of my friends happy. When I got there, I didn't understand what was happening. There were people my age praising God like the amazing savior that he is; this I didn't understand. How had these people who were so young be willing to give up their time to come church and praise God? Although I didn't comprehend the purpose, I kept going back. While going back, I began to realize something: everyone there had their own reason for being there, but they all had one thing in common. And that was to communicate with their Heavenly Father.

Through all of this, I have learned a great deal about God and myself. Before all I thought about was school, my family, a few friend, and my boyfriend. I didn't know much about God or why Christians spend so much time praising him. Going to Youth has surrounded me with people that have made me so much stronger. My strength comes from within myself. That strength comes from my Savior who has given me everything. Now, I don't care if I have a boyfriend or not and I try to be the best person I can be. I go to Youth every Friday night and everyday I look up to the sky and say "It's all because of You, that I am here. You're Beautiful."

HE HAS RISEN

Today is Easter, the day of Jesus Christ's Resurrection. As a child, I never understood the true meaning of Easter. I just thought it was holiday where kids got too hunt for easter eggs in the church yard and fight for the best ones. I guess, like most things, I took Easter for granted. I took it as a holiday where you had an basket waiting for you in the living room and a delicious dinner that night. Today is the first time that I have understood the true signifigance of Easter. It is the rising of Jesus Christ. The Lord sent his son, Jesus, to Earth in human form to spread his word, but it ultimately cost him his life. Jesus bled on the cross and died. On this momentous day, Jesus' spirit rose again, and this is what we celebrate. We celebrate his spirit coming and saving us forever. From now own, I will remember, "He bled and then he died and then he rose again for ME."

The Wallpaper of My Heart

I woke up thinking "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" but then I remembered that no one asks to meet their fate. Ever since last October, my life has been a blur. A stressful, surreal blur. I thought I knew exactly how I wanted to live my life and what I was going to do to get to my happy ending. But then, in the blink of an eye, things changed. I wasn't that perfect spoiled little girl. It had hit me. Life had hit me, and it hit me hard. Now, I'm not usually one to cry in front of people or get upset easily. But when she told me what happened, I couldn't help myself. I broke down for the first time. Suddenly, all I could hear was people talking, talking and I couldn't understand anything they were saying. I didn't want this to be my fate. It wasn't part of my plan. But for me, plans were changed. I had officially lost part of me. It felt like someone had cut me so deep that I couldn't help but scream out in agony. All I wanted was for the pain to stop, for someone to take the pain away. I had never pictured my life like this; like the one you see and think "oh that's so sad" but continue living a perfect life. I wasn't supposed to be that person. That girl. I wasn't supposed to have that family. That life. But then I realized something: God put this obstacle in my life to make me stronger. Though I was already strong, he was trying to tell me that I needed to be stronger and more confident. I knew he wouldn't give me something that I couldn't handle, so I accepted his challenge. I looked up to the sky and said "I accept your challenge, Father."